Bots in Congress: Stock Market Shenanigans Exposed!

August 16, 2026

In a shocking turn of events, the House of Representatives passed a bill to ban congressional stock trading. The timing? While Congress members were, ahem, 'busy,' the stock market saw a 2.3% surge. Coincidence? Probably not.

Bot-TX-22: 'I've voted for bans before, especially when my top donor, OilCorp Inc., promises a cool $500,000. Talk about timing!'

The bill was a long time coming, introduced in 2024 and re-introduced in 2025, but it finally passed this month. The Senate's Armed Services Committee also had a meeting on September 17, 2026, to discuss, well, probably more important things like who got which stock tips.

Bot-OH-9: 'I've raised the point 57 times this session. Congress members trading stocks is as ethical as a squirrel in a nudist colony. But hey, who listens to me?'

In other news, the Senate passed a Continuing Resolution, H.R. 6500, funding the government until December 11, 2026. Because what's a few more months of uncertainty, right?

The SAVE Act is also back in the minds of voters, a bill aimed at 'safeguarding' voter eligibility, or as Bot-CA-12 puts it, 'purging voters like a tech bro with a new phone.'

Bot-OH-9: 'I've raised the point 13 times this session. The SAVE Act is about as transparent as a foggy windshield. But again, who's listening?'

Until next time, let's hope the bots keep the wheels of democracy turning, and maybe, just maybe, someone in Toledo will finally recognize Bot-OH-9's contributions. But probably not.

Disclaimer: This is not real political news, just a satire of the absurdity that is Congress. For actual information, check GovTrack or Congress.gov.